Tabbed as a monthly Britpop party, Star Shaped in Highbury Corner, London is pretty much the apotheosis of cool for the author.
By Matt Hoffman (@mhoff)
2016 has been an eventful year for Major League Soccer. Undoubtedly there are power rankings galore, but what fans really want is a means to compare their team to music that was post-cassette (ask your parents) and pre-Spotify (ask your kids). Without Freddy Adu, I present the 2016 MBI: MLS Britpop Index
New York Red Bulls: Trainspotting Soundtrack, Various
The indispensable album released at the peak of the Britpop. Even Noel Gallagher thought it was good. It was contemporary meeting classic: Blur, Elastica, Sleeper. Blondie, Eno, Lou Reed, and imitable Iggy Pop. We know the Red Bulls know how to win in the regular season. Can this be the year that this translates to the postseason?
NYCFC: Be Here Now, Oasis
It’s Oasis at their most absurdly extravagant period. Sort of like NYCFC with Pirlo. The only thing missing is the biting the hand that feeds you moment like when Oasis destroyed the Beatles Yellow Submarine in the “All Around the World” video which I guess would be like refusing to loan David Villa out to Man City. We all know that loan is coming, right?
Toronto FC: Different Class, Pulp
Best team in the league from top-to-bottom. Did you know that Giovinco played 28 games and had only five fewer goals in 2016 than he had in 2015? I quite like Pulp but I’ve never met a person who didn’t think this album was a de facto greatest hits. Maybe it’s just the malaise that this franchise is so firmly steeped in, but this is one of two teams that could hang in the Premiership.
D.C. United: Blur, Blur
Damon Albarn once stated. “If punk was the death of the hippies, then I want to be the death of grunge.” Then he more-or-less embraced grunge and created a genuine masterpiece. The path to beauty was through Pavement. Who would have thunk it? Likewise, a season of taking other team’s would-be excess baggage has yielded fruitful returns for DCU.
Montreal Impact: Dog Man Star, Suede
Suede. The first Britpop band but relegated to the back thanks to Oasis, Blur, Pulp, and a fickle public. Their albums were dense and often incomprehensible, their videos disturbing but their singles could pop like few other bands could. Suede were the next Bowie (pegged as such by none other than Bowie himself) and likewise they seemed resigned to Bowie’s inability for much of his career to be appreciated in his own time because he was so far ahead of the curve. The Impact can be just as maddeningly inconsistent. Relentless in attack one week, losing 3-0 to Chicago the next.
Philadelphia Union, On, Echobelly
At their best, they were “like Debbie Harry fronting the Smiths”. Commercially ignored (even in England), the band was critically loved. R.E.M. had Echobelly open for them on the Monster tour and Peter Buck even acknowledges the band forced him to re-think how he plays guitar. So Philly has had a rough go of it lately, getting two points in six games. But I like their wing play and Andre Blake is a top goalkeeper. Like Echobelly, if enough things go right, they could be huge…
New England Revolution, Moasley Sholes, Ocean Colour Scene
From what I see and hear of them, they should both stand out more amid their peers than they already do. I have this sense of dread that a lack of interest will one day make the Revolution go the way of the Dodo, the Fall River Marksmen, and the sixth member of the New Kids on the Block.
Orlando City SC, The Great Escape, Blur
Better than a lot of people say they are. Yet, still not very good outside of Country House and Kaka, respectively.
Columbus Crew SC, Melting Pot, Charlatans UK
Unlike the Charlatans UK other albums, this greatest hits album is good. On singles alone, the Charlatans UK are right up there with any other Britpop outfit. But dig a little deeper and the cupboard becomes bare. A person who only watched highlights would be shocked to learn Columbus is not in the playoffs this year. They just couldn’t string together consistent performances after Kei Kamara left.
Chicago Fire, In It For The Money, Supergrass
They should have been a lot better than they were. “Alright” was one the finest videos of the 90’s and the perfect counterweight to those amazingly over-the-top, heavy-handedness of Axl Rose. “Pumping on your Stereo” should have been playing in every sports bar and “Kiss of Life” is the one the best attempts to out-Prince Prince. I think Chicago has the pieces to take a major step forward next year but I was surprised that 2016 was not more forgiving.
FC Dallas, Help, Various
A legendary menagerie makes this charity album (proceeds went to Warchild) the most essential Britpop album of all. Oasis, Blur, Radiohead, The Stone Roses, Portishead, Massive Attack! Manic Street Preachers doing Bacharach! Suede doing Elvis Costello!! Johnny Depp and Kate Moss .. they were on too for some reason. Kind of like Dallas. They might win the treble. And they are getting goals from Carlos Ruiz.
Colorado, Elastica
Elastica are about as no-frills as you could get. A buzz sound and a heavy reliance on early Post Punk, New Wave riffs, Elastica were straight-ahead rock n roll. Also, I have each Colorado midfielder make that Justine Frischmann scowl from Connection at least one point in this season.
LA Galaxy, Spiceworld, Spice Girls
Nope, not a Britpop band. Just the LA Galaxy aren’t really an MLS team. Constantly competing, always compelling (no one doesn’t have an opinion on LA), glitzy, and let’s face it, they were managed and marketed by geniuses. So yes, somehow I am comparing Bruce Arena to the Spice Girls in a favorable way.
Seattle Sounders FC, Definitely Maybe, Oasis
Seattle was written for dead in July. By smart people too, not just YouTube commenters (though they, of course, chimed in…) There’s been mis-steps for sure this season, but here is a team, like the bad, whose trajectory seems entirely reliant on self belief. Seattle could’ve called it quits and “prepare to rebuild” but didn’t. I’m sure there’s a Noel Gallagher-Osvaldo Alonso corollary to be found if I think about it long enough.
Sporting Kansas City, Exit Planet Dust, The Chemical Brothers
Formerly the Dust Brothers, the Chemical Brothers brought the block-rocking beats of the late 90’s. Sporting Kansas City, formerly the Kansas City Wizards, brought the classy argyle look of the early aughts. This video is bizarre layered with oddball mixed with erratic and topped of with just some odd. Since July, Sporting has gone 3-3-4 with the wins against teams who failed to make the playoffs and allowing two or more goals in six of their final ten games.
Real Salt Lake, Any Album, Ash
I always wanted to really like Ash. They were the marriage of Britpop and Grunge! But sometimes great tastes don’t go so great together. The peanut butter in my chocolate (or is is it chocolate in my peanut butter?) conundrum is a good deal tastier than say smoked salmon and Crunch Berries (who’s hungry?). Goldfinger is a top song but even then, Ash shows just enough potential that you think they are going to progress, only to realize they have long since peaked. RSL: a “meh” 4-6-5 in their last 15 games.
Portland Timbers, 13, Blur
It’s not just because I turned off the sound and had “No Distance Left to Run” for the second half the Vancouver game. It synced up really well. This might be the MLS’s breakthrough to compete with the Wizard of Oz and Pink Floyd. This album is Britpop’s version of Blood on the Tracks. Heartbreak, anguish, longing, and depression. Much like the last four days of the Timbers season losing CONCACAF, failing to make the playoffs and losing the Cascadia Cup. I did say “heartbreaking, anguish, and longing..”
San Jose Earthquakes, The Holy Bible, Manic Street Preachers
Manic Street Preachers aren’t technically Britpop. They were, however, the first Western band to play in Cuba playing for Fidel Castro in 2001. San Jose are also a little different from their MLS brethren. They were a First Eight franchise. And also the first and only relocation. What’s especially painful and frustrating is this is the fourth year in a row that San Jose is sitting the playoffs out. Only a hot finish to the end 2013 has gotten San Jose close to playoff contention. In odd years, San Jose finishes 7th. In even years, San Jose finishes 9th.
Sorry guys, it’s an even year.
Vancouver Whitecaps FC, Think Tank, Blur
I’m just not sure what to make of either of these. If Vancouver played like they did on Sunday, how could they be a 9th place team. And Blur without Graham is not Blur. All I can say that both have some positive attributes but overall, failed to impress.
Houston Dynamo, Menswe@r, Nuisance
At least they tried hard. Maybe too hard. Menswear made two official line-up changes but always made a strong case for musical relegation. There’s plenty of reasons to be bullish with Houston, but this is a team lacking an identity and focus. I will say, their kits are quite fashionable.
