The FIFA Presidential Power Rankings: Week 1

While the world may not agree on many things there seem to be a few constants:

1.) That the new Star Wars is going to kick ass.

2.) No one can talk crap about my team except for me.

3.) All politicians are corrupt.

For years many of us have looked to tie their passion for soccer with their passion for politics. Although the term normally means something positive passion in this instance refers to the love of making fun of each topic. No two groups of people are given greater stick worldwide than soccer players and politicians.

Sadly the world has never truly had the chance to enjoy a few jokes at a few FIFA Presidential candidates. Soccer’s world governing body did a heck of a job at limiting these jokes by electing the same people year after year (sometimes no elections were even needed *cough* United States Soccer Federation President Sunil Gulati *cough), quelling any independent thought, and treating the public and the press like a leper colony. Much like his comic book counter-part, the Kingpin, Sepp Blatter sat in his posh high rise office wearing terrible pants and lording over a corrupt organization.

But last May the accursed United States Department of Justice brought down FIFA and forced the organization indirectly to hold elections. So for the first time in twenty years FIFA will have a semi, kind of, sort of open and fair election.

Now in true FIFA fashion each candidate comes with baggage which makes it difficult for all of the not paid off undecided voters to determine who to vote for.

So how do we measure which terrible candidate will make the best terrible President? With the newest, sexiest form of American journalism: Power Rankings!

5.) Tokyo Sexwale

A former resident of the Robben Island prison system, the same place that housed Nelson Mandela, Sexwale might seem like just the right type of candidate to help clean up FIFA. He is also the President of Global Watch and a trustee of the Nelson Mandela Foundation places that would make normal people believe that he is qualified to act in a fair and balanced manner.

But FIFA is not a rational organization and thus that makes him an outsider among the rest. Thankfully for Mr. Sexwale he can always fall back on his experience as a member of the South Africa 2010 organizing committee, the same committee that is alleged to have paid former FIFA Vice President Jack Warner $10 million dollars. He also has a manifesto coming out in two weeks time which should be full chock full of great boasting and unrealistic targets, things that international organizations just love!

By the way, has anything positive ever come out of someone using the term manifesto? No one ever makes a statement like, “Honey, I am going to write down the grocery list in my manifesto” or “Dear Manifesto, Tad from the football team looked at me today at lunch!” No, it seems like the term manifesto is generally used for nefarious purposes.

Ridiculous quote of the week: “One of the things that needs to be done in giving confidence and building back the brand of FIFA is to sit down with the sponsors and say there is a way of doing things without you saying so-and-so should go.” -Mr. Sexwale, when asked about sponsor activism.

4.) His Royal Highness Prince Ali Al Hussein

The good prince is still trying to win over football supporters all across with his continued talk of change within the global game and an end to the shadow government. He appears to be soccer’s White Knight, someone who is not afraid to confront FIFA given his background as a general in the Jordanian Army. Ever since he took on Blatter for the FIFA Presidency back in May the HRHP has posited himself as the candidate who can create a more and honest FIFA. His manifesto certainly makes him out to be a pretty nice guy, someone you could have a coffee with or watch an Arsenal game with.

But much like many of the other candidates his words do not necessarily reflect his background. HRHP may claim that he is different from Blatter but given his background it is difficult to see how. Al Hussein is the brother of the King of Jordan, someone whose government is ranked in the bottom twenty-percent of the world in terms of openness (This according to the World Justice Project).

Brothers do not always have to agree on everything, heck sometimes they can shake hands as opposed to hug. However given that he is a general in his brother’s army and the head of Jordan’s National Centre for Security and Crisis Management (their version of the Department of Homeland Security) it might be a bit of a stretch to call him a proponent of transparency.

By the way, many of these candidates, including HRHP, will run on the plan that the World Cup needs to be expanded. This is the equivalent of an American politician going to a local watering hole, drink a Schlitz, and saying that they empathize with the common man.

Ridiculous quote of the week: ‘I have faith in everyone really voting for who they think is the best candidate” [AP-Yahoo]

3.) Gianni Infantino

It is never a positive moment in one’s campaign when the candidate themselves is not quite sure if they really want the job in the first place. UEFA’s General Secretary at this point is essentially acting as a placeholder for former FIFA Vice President Michel Platini which should raise all sorts of red flags for this election that will supposedly be free of corruption. The good news for all of us is the bad news for Mr. Infantino-now he has to run.

By the way, if Infantino and Platini were to ever be in the same debate it would certainly be the most one-sided debate in history:

Moderator: Gentlemen, would you be in favor of making all FIFA Executive Committee meetings open to the public?

Platini: What!?!? No! The public must understand that our meetings must be held in private. If we cannot figure out ways of how to launder money then how can we get our Arbor Day bonuses?

Moderator: Mr. Infantino?

Infantino: I would like to yield the remainder of my time to Mr. Platini. 

Ridiculous quote of the week: “My candidacy is not in opposition to Michel. If he is able to stand, I will withdraw. It’s a simple principle of loyalty.”[BBC]

2.) Sheikh Salman Bin Ebrahim Al Khalifa

It has not been a good week for the Chairman of the Asian Football Confederation. Despite his repeated denials about accusations in his role over the detainment of 150 athletes and officials at the time of Bahrain’s Arab Spring continue to hang over his head. As much as he tries to avoid and deflect the multiple reports from human rights organizations that he is not telling the truth.

Perhaps what the good sheikh needs to do is hire a public relations  firm to explain the following:

• What the title of sheikh means.
• What an autocracy is.
• What it means to be hired for a position based off of one’s family lineage.
• Why people presume that one is involved with the arrest of hundreds of people from a field that one works in when one also is related to those that are in power and want nothing to do with elections.
• How to craft a statement not like the one listed below.

Ridiculous quote of the week: “If they want to look at political issues I think there are other channels that they need to talk [to]but here in football we talk about football… we don’t want politics to get involved in matters of the game.”[ESPN]

1.) Jerome Champagne

Normally in this spot we would provide a light-hearted jab at Mr. Champagne. But given the current situation in France now is really not the time for that. So instead we will just provide a simple quote from Mr. Champagne that should sum up everyone’s thoughts:

Rational quote of the week: “We need of course to protect the players, we need to protect the fans but we need to play because it is exactly what they want to destroy.” [Evening Standard]