Timbers to Play Cascadian National Anthem

Posted in Fan Culture, Portland

Published on April 01, 2013 with 6 Comments

Freeedommmmm

Freeedommmmm

Timbers to Play Cascadian Anthem

Portland Timbers are set to make a change to their pre-match routine after a political change of heart from powerful owner Merritt Paulson.

Portland have already attracted criticism by the practice of having their fans perform the US anthem the Star Spangled Banner rather than somebody who can actually sing. Furthermore, their fans have developed the tradition of waving their scarves in the air between lines of the song, when real Americans like Sara Palin or Rush Limbaugh have their hands on their hearts or a box of nachos.

However, there may be another row on the cards for the normally PR savvy Paulson and his Oregon club.

In a memo leaked to Prost Amerika from a source within the Timbers Front Office, plans have been revealed to play both the US Anthem before games and following it, the national anthem of Cascadia.

The Timbers already display the Cascadian flag proudly next to the US one for derby games and it appears the club are ready to fully honour the aspiring independent nation.

The anthem called “Hail Cascadia” is the traditional, and official national anthem of the United Cascadian States. The melody was written by Philip Phile in 1789 at the age of 55, coincidentally the same age Paulson will be one day. Controversially the lyrics were penned by a man named after another football club, Gregory Vancouver.

Hail Cascadia was the traditional rallying song during the Cascadian War of Independence (1846-1851). It is based on the traditional anthem of the United States of America, Hail Columbia, also composed by Philip Phile and inspired by an afternoon of continual hail when the weather was too nasty to go out to the pub.

Paulson’s change of heart began when the club owner began to be influenced by a persuasive and prominent Cascadian nationalist called Abe Goldman-Armstrong. As well as being one of the pillars of the Timbers Army, Armstrong is a member of a group that campaigns for recognition of Cascadian nationhood.

On the face of it Paulson and Armstrong, a contumacious teetotaller, are unlikely bedfellows but they got to know each other when fans and the Timbers Front Office, worked in harmony to bring MLS to the Rose City and get rid of the rounders team.

“I got to know him very well during that time,” Armstrong told us.

“At first he was coy and distant but soon we found out we had so much in common, not just clothes and the Timbers. We even had the same hairstylist. It was very bromantic.

Obviously, with the amount of politicos we had to deal with during the campaign to bring MLS here, politics became discussed. He seemed very interested in concepts of Cascadian nationhood.”

Paulson is normally aloof and reticent to express his views anywhere, especially on Twitter. However on this topic, he was unusually eloquent:

“Abe really got me into this idea of Cascadian independence.

It seemed nutty at first like most of the Timbers Army’s ideas. But unlike the rest of them which get stupider the more you think about them, this one began to make sense.”

But from a theoretical and ideological beginning, the hard-headed and ultra-pragmatic Paulson began to wonder how he could use his vast wealth and power to help the cause in practical terms.

He soon concluded that Cascadian independence had to make sense both politically and financially:

“Sentiment wasn’t enough. Cascadian independence had to become a pocket-book issue. I wracked my brains to find a solution.”

Paulson then explains how he turned close to home for assistance:

“We realized that the first step was to utterly wreck the American economy. Daddy was enormously helpful with that part. I remember I used to tell your buddy Hanauer, ‘of course we don’t believe giving billionaires all the money is sound economic policy, but it’s funny as fuck watching Rachel Maddow’s head explode on NBC’.

Adrian and I rarely talked politics again after that. He thinks I’m a bit meshugginne to be honest.

He hates you too by the way.”

The move to play “Hail Cascadia” is unlikely to receive much opposition in Portland but will raise acrimony at MLS Headquarters in Manhattan despite their normal love of the merest mention of the word Cascadia.

Goldman-Armstrong and Paulson. Publicly they were celebrating the Cascadia Cup. Privately they were plotting Cascadian secession

Goldman-Armstrong and Paulson. Publicly they were celebrating the Cascadia Cup. Privately they were plotting Cascadian independence and Abe was teaching Merritt how to swear

Commissioner Don Garber is known to be very patriotic and abhorrent to any suggestion that soccer isn’t totally American.

Sources close to him acknowledge that he is so pro-American that he even hates Canadians, and I mean … c’mon … be serious … how can you, you know, really hate Canadians?

Musically Hail Cascadia is somewhat less than stirring and sounds somewhat like a British military march but there were sound political and ideological reasons for going in that direction explained Paulson.

“I was really in favour of the excellent and stirring Woodie Guthrie classic Roll on Columbia .. great tune .. until Abe told me - and I quote – that ‘those ECS wankers sing that already’.

His words not mine,” added Paulson. “I think they are fine people. It’s our supporters that are idiots, prudes and morons.

Besides, I don’t use language like that”.

The lyrics are easy enough. Thankfully there’s nothing in French and no note is so far up the octave scale that only mice, eunuchs and children can reach it.

Not everyone in the region is so enthusiastic about Cascadian independence.

Despite playing for Ireland, Vancouver Whitecaps centre half Andy O’Brien comes from Leeds, a town known as the Kathmandu of England. He is a professional Yorkshireman and thundered in the rich rural accent of England’s secluded hilly mountain kingdom:

“Independence? Bloody Independence? Ah’ll give thou bloody independence. Ah tellt Rennie and ah’ll tell you t’ same. Cascadia has about as mooch chance of becoming an independent country as Scotland.

And more of getting t’ World Cup.”

In an unrelated story, Carlyle Mitchell has been recalled from loan.

For those who don’t know the words we have printed them below so rude foes with impious hands be warned, but the club will be launching its own campaign to promote the anthem, producing a range of t-shirts with such slogans as “Free Cascadia“, “The NorthWest Will Rise Again” and “When I Look at Alex Morgan, All I See is a Really Good Soccer Player. Honest“.

HAIL CASCADIA

Click to Hear the Anthem

First stanza
Hail, ye heroes, heav’n-born band,
Who fought and bled in freedom’s cause,
Who fought and bled in freedom’s cause,
And when the storm of war was gone
Enjoy’d the peace your valor won.
Let independence be our boast,
Ever mindful what it cost;
Ever grateful for the prize,
Let its altar reach the skies.
Chorus:
Firm, united let us be,
Rallying round our liberty,
As a band of brothers joined,
Peace and safety we shall find.
Second stanza
Immortal patriots, rise once more,
Defend your rights, defend your shore!
Let no rude foe, with impious hand,
Let no rude foe, with impious hand,
Invade the shrine where sacred lies
Of toil and blood, the well-earned prize,
While off’ring peace, sincere and just,
In Heaven’s we place a manly trust,
That truth and justice will prevail,
And every scheme of bondage fail.
Chorus:
Firm, united let us be,
Rallying round our liberty,
As a band of brothers joined,
Peace and safety we shall find.

Other News Today:

Book Review: “Don Garber My Story” (An Autobiography)

Adrian Hanauer Wins “Adrian Hanauer Prize”

Weekend Match Coverage:

RSL 2 : 1 Sounders Colorado 2 : 2 Timbers Chivas 2 : 1 Whitecaps
RSL Pass Superbly. Sounders Fail Miserably Timbers Fight Back Caps Defensive Woes Continue Against Chivas
RSL v Sounders Photo Gallery Colorado v Timbers Photo Gallery Chivas v Whitecaps Photo Gallery
Sounders Player Ratings Timbers Player Ratings (to follow) Whitecaps Player Ratings




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6 Comments

Comments for Timbers to Play Cascadian National Anthem are now closed.

  1. I cant believe how far I read before it hit me. Well done!

  2. I love the tune! very appropriate.

  3. BEST STORY ON THE INTERWEBS EVER.

    HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY!

  4. Hilarious. Best AF story this year anywhere.

    Do it anyway MP.

    Hail Cascadia!

  5. Amazing April Fools joke. You even worked in our Cascadia Football Vice President Abe. Well done!

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