The world of astronaut rugby has reacted vindictively at the thought of our wonderful unconquerable Seahawks’ spectacular victory over the Green Bay Packages.
Experts such as President Bill Clinton, PR Crowley, TJ Lang and a fat politician in New Jersey who was on CNN this morning have weighed in on the scandal surrounding a try the Seahawks scored with the last kick of the ball on Monday night.
Green Bay were leading by a bit, not a lot, as the remaining seconds of the hour allowed for play ran out, some four hours after the game had actually started.
A Seattle player cleared the ball from his own half by throwing it as far as he could.
The Seahawk with the disappointingly unfunny name of Russell Wilson, then watched as his efforts sailed towards the Hawks Nest End which the North End Faithful had kindly lent to astronaut rugby supporters for the day, having moved their ‘Welcome to Green Hell’ banner.
Here’s the bit that requires careful explanation. If another Fabulous Freebird catches the ball, Seattle wins. Hurrah!
If however the ball was caught by a Green Bay Package player, then they take the three points back to their small hamlet in Nearly Canada.
The Seahwaks were represented in this titanic duel by Golden Tate and the Seahawks’ Golden Boy was being opposed by another dully named individual MD Jennings although technically the MD could stand for something incredibly amusing like Montgomery Dippidoo. But probably doesn’t.
Both players caught the ball at the same time although our boy, our superhero caught it first. Oh yes.
By astronaut rugby rules, the player with the funniest name automatically wins in the event of a tie. Seahawks win. Hurrah!
Those highly skilled referees recruited at great expense from the Lingerie Astronaut Rugby Association knew the rules awarded the match to the Seahawks and headed to the tailgate with the fans as every referee except Ricardo Salazar does.
However not everybody took the result and accepted the referee’s decision with integrity like say, a Sigi Schmid or a Jose Mourinho.
Green Bay Package guardsman TJ Lang is the husband of singer KD Lang who, unlike her brother, has already come out of the closet and admitted she is Canadian. TJ headed to twitter with his Auld Lang Sign-in to voice his frustration.
“Any player/coach in Seattle that really thinks they won that game has zero integrity as a man and should be embarrassed.”
He has a point. Apart from the full time score and the league table, there is no proof anywhere that Seattle won. But he’s also wrong in another way. He said Seattle players and coaches should be embarrassed. If you have a name like Golden Tate, it’s going to take lot more than that to embarrass you.
It is here that the story takes a strange turn.
Not many people know this but it turns out that the normal referees had all been fired before the season because the Astronaut Rugby Association could not afford a decent pension plan for them from their meagre $9 billion income.
The Referees Union demanded a settlement which would have costed a massive $4 million. The referees are members of a union and, as such are probably communists and clearly don’t understand simple Romneyomics, ie that if the people who are already incredibly wealthy are allowed to keep all their money, depress wages, reduce pensions, fire people at will and eliminate collective bargaining, everybody benefits.
Even Don Garber know that.
Help is at hand for the referees who have found a powerful champion. The Mayor of Nearly Canada, Scott Walker, has spent most of the last three years trying to decimate the teachers’ unions in his own village.
He easily won re-election on the slogan “Unions are crap and I like firing people. No real man should talk to union leaders because they stuff sandwiches in their pockets after meetings.”
Faced with widespread misery in Nearly Canada over the result, Walker stayed the course, stuck to his principles and refused to pander to his electorate by immediately urging Astronaut Rugby chiefs to …. talk to the Refs Union.
Walker wasn’t the only politician to weigh in.
President Barack Obama managed to find time inbetween appearing on the View and not appearing at the United Nations to release a statement saying absolutely nothing to offend anyone, as befits a leader who takes one step closer to re-election every time his opponent speaks.
“I’ve been saying for months we’ve got to get our refs back. NFL fans on both sides of the aisle hope the refs’ lockout is settled soon.”
As ever, Obama is completely wrong.
This is by far the most interesting that the four hour commercial-athon with occasional out takes of sport, has ever been.
So to all the Noddy Naysayers, to Mayor Scott ‘Part of the Union’ Walker, to Mr KD Lang and to President ‘Take Washington State for granted’ Obama, we say “Crisis? What Crisis?”
These are astronaut rugby’s greatest days which leaves only one question.
Does the lingerie league need any replacement referees?
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